So, yeah...

I know I said I was ending my marriage, but I didn't really expound on that and maybe I should, since it's weighing pretty heavy on me right now and I just need to talk about it.

I love Chuck very much, more than myself, even.

I gave him everything I had, everything I was, and he destroyed it bit by bit. It was like every time he betrayed me, every time he lied to me, every time he lied to other women about me, every time he hurt me physically to take the focus off his dalliances, I lost another part of myself. Like it was layers he was just peeling off until all I had left was the most basic foundation of who I am, and then he started chipping away on that too, and when I realized it, I knew I had to do something about it.

I was never the kind of woman who would let a man hit her. I was never the kind of woman who would allow herself to be made a fool of. I was strong, and I would have rather been alone for a million years than let someone do to me the things he has done to me, and I am ashamed of myself for letting this unfold as it has.

Chuck wasn't just satisfied with knowledge that he broke me. He had to tell me just one more lie. The lie about how he and his father were getting a smell out of his mom's car. Well, that was the last excuse. It started out he was gong to see his other kid, then he wasn't coming over because I was boring, then after those didn't work, it was the car thing. He was unreachable all that night, then showed up the next day telling me he "lost' $100. It was so stupid, probably a cover up for his big "break-up with Bonnie" thing, but it nailed the fucking coffin shut on this shit once and for all. I made him give me an equal amount of cash to what he "lost", and he didn't even argue about it like he should have. (guilt maybe?)

By the time he showed up here, I had already started shutting it off with him. I told him as much and that if he wanted to come home, he should probably do it while I still wanted him to. He came home the next weekend, and things aren't too bad, but I'm done.

I feel like I have to protect this little bit of myself at all costs or lose it completely, and that the only way I can do that is to get my shit together and get out while I still know who I am.

I was talking to Angie not long ago, and I was telling her how Chuck asked me if I still loved him like I used to and I replied "No, how could I, I'm not even the same fucking person anymore" She said she thought I was still the same person, I was just coming back into myself after hiding it for so long. I think she's right, and I think my true self is pretty righteously pissed off, but it's cool...I do my best work when I'm 20 kinds of pissed off...LOL

So yeah....I go to work every day, in my little Wendy's costume, and I do mindless stupid shit for several hours every day and I don't even care. Every second I spend doing that now, is a second I can spend in the future not feeling ashamed of myself, and every dollar I earn there is a dollar I didn't earn by selling a piece of my soul, and every step I take in my slip-resistant Shoes for Crews is a step towards myself as I should be.

Any Questions?