Bitch Venting, Idle Death Threats, and White-Hot Terror

So yeah, I'm feeling a little..um...vile..this evening.
It might just be the crazies creeping up, as they so often do, and dragging me into that dark place where conscience isn't an issue, or it might be something else altogether, I haven't really taken the time to analyze it that hard yet.
But I've been thinking about things,and I haven't really come to any conclusion, but here is some of the randomness that has been going through my head today. It may come off as disconnected, but I'll put it together eventually, or discard it, I just need to write it down, so take it for what it is, Bitch Venting, and don't make a federal case out of it. Seriously.

1: My husband and the impending end of my marriage

I'm being really darling as of late.
I'm getting his food, and washing his back, and doing his laundry, and taking care of the house affairs, etc. I'm letting him think all is well and that he is back in my fair graces. I am making myself integral to his lifestyle.
But soon, shortly after the first of the year, I'm going to crush him like a bug.
I want revenge. I want to hurt him like he has hurt me. I want him to lie on the floor of a dark room and beg the powers that be to kill him. I want it to be all encompassing and black. I want his grief to be thick and I want it to swallow him whole.
I don't feel good about it. I know I should be gracious and turn the other cheek and forgive and forget, and blah blah blah....knowledge and emotion are two very different animals.

2: Sarah

Her CPS threats have me a little concerned.
Not that they will come and take Conner away. He's almost 16, and obviously not endangered in any way.
No, it's more about what I will do, should they drop in for a chat as a result of her screeching.
I have a few dollars at my disposal, and I will most certainly use them to board the first plane to Tuscon I can, after they leave my home, and I will put that bitch in a hole in the desert where she belongs, and I will most certainly go to jail for a very long time, in a state very far away.
Her ending will not be quick, or tidy, and she will go to hell knowing I sent her there.

3. Wayne

Someone stepped up to my register yesterday that seemed familiar at first. The more he spoke, the clearer it became that it was none other than Wayne. He was asking for some food to make up for a botched order, or something. I can't really tell you because once I realized it was him, I couldn't hear anything but my own heartbeat. It was the same kind of white-hot fear one would experience if face-to-face with a monster, because I was.
He recognized me, of course, and my horror, and he loved it. As he was telling his tale to the manager, he turned, removed his sunglasses, and smiled at me. It was not a kind smile. My legs went wobbly and if I'd had to pee, I'm sure I'd have soiled myself.
My fight or flight kicked in, and I wanted to run, but I couldn't. He was between me and the doors and my legs were jello-y, and I'd have never made it. That sounds really dumb, but it's exactly how I felt at the time. I couldn't breathe, I was terrified.
I went as quickly as I could over to another area, where my manager asked me to help prepare his order. Between my Lamaze-like breathing to keep me from passing out, I explained that I could not, but that I wasn't able to explain why, and that I would be in the back room until he was well out of the area. She took one look at me and didn't argue. I am so thankful for that.
I honestly thought I was done dealing with this. I hadn't really thought of him in years.
It's such a contradiction to the whole thing with Sarah too. I wouldn't think twice about doing some really psycho shit to her, but the mere sight of Wayne and suddenly I'm the victim in a horror movie that can't scream or run because she is pretty sure these are her last minutes on earth and they are going to be very very painful.
The hunter or the prey?
The hunter AND the prey.
Maybe it was just God reminding me that every time Chuck puts his hands on me in anger, it could go there and that I need to get out. Maybe it was the powers that be letting me know I was getting too big for my britches, and I need to chill.
I don't know, it just really scared the shit out of me.